Hi, my lovely readers!
Spring is the season of new beginnings and new lives, which makes it the perfect time to focus on revamping our love life a bit. Even though relationships are complex and there is no magic, one-size-fits-all recipe for keeping the romance alive, I would like to share with you some general ideas I learned through my own experience and my training with The Gottman Institute.
So, how do we keep the spark alive in our dating and long-term relationships?
According to the book The Normal Bar, in which more than 70,000 people from 24 different countries were surveyed about love and sex, it was found that couples who have a great sex life:
Say “I love you” to their partners daily, and mean it
Buy surprise romantic gifts for one another
Compliment their partners often
Go on romantic vacations
Give one another back rubs
Kiss one another passionately for no reason at all (85% of those who love sex also kiss passionately, and 86% of the men and women who do not enjoy sex rarely or never kiss passionately)
Show affection publicly (hold hands, caress or kiss their partners)
Cuddle with one another every day (only 6% of the non-cuddlers had a great sex life)
Go on a romantic date that may include dressing up, dining out, massaging, and lovemaking once a week
Make sex a priority and talk about sex comfortably with their partners
Are open to various sexual activities
Turn toward bids for emotional connection
Are great communicators
If you were to evaluate your relationship based on that list, how many elements would you tick? If not too many, then perhaps you might want to evaluate what you’re contributing or not contributing to the existing dynamic in your partnership. If you are feeling little desire for your partner, ask each other, “How can we co-create more romance and play in our relationship?”
Now that we know what contributes to keeping the spark alive, let's look at the factors that kill sex and passion in a relationship. According to the Gottman Institute, the following slowly erode your relationship:
A lack of physical affection, flirting, and/or an intimate connection apart from sex
Vital to-do things left undone
Emotional distance and intense conflict
A lack of safety, whether emotional or physical
Exhaustion and stress
Feeling unappreciated
The four horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling — you can read more about it in my previous article)
If you feel that your passion and desire for one another are dwindling and you resonate with the list above, maybe it’s time to put some work into your relationship?
RITUALS
How about starting with co-creating rituals? What deposits can you make daily, weekly, monthly, and seasonally to keep your relationship’s bank account full rather than overdrawn?
I suggest starting small. How about expressing your affection or appreciation for your partner through a text or in person? Just remember to be very explicit in your message to them and tell them why exactly you are so grateful for them. Every time you express positive thinking and give your partner verbal compliments, you strengthen your relationship. Another helpful tip is to give your partner a passionate kiss each time you see each other instead of a dry peck on the cheek or no greeting at all. According to the Gottman Institute, a passionate kiss goes a long way in maintaining intimacy. Through these brief moments of ongoing meaningful connection and affection, you create trust, consistency, safety, and keep your desire for each other alive. And when it comes to weekly connections, perhaps you could schedule a date night? It might consist of cooking a meal together at home, exchanging oil massages, a romantic candlelight dinner at your favourite restaurant, a cooking class, a breathwork session, or anything else that would work for you as a couple.
5-to-1 RATIO
The next factor that matters a lot and affects our relationships is our interactions during conflicts. The Gottman Institute’s longitudinal studies show that in order for a relationship to be healthy, we need a minimum ratio of 5 to 1, meaning that for each negative interaction, we need five positive ones. If your average is lower, the likelihood of your relationship succeeding is low. Is your relationship unbalanced? Observe how you and your partner interact with each other during an argument. If you are unsure how to handle conflict in an effective way, please read my previous article.
BIDS FOR CONNECTION
Another important factor is bids for connection, which refers to our attempts to get our partners’ attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection. In healthy relationships, both partners are comfortable making all kinds of bids and are more likely to respond positively to each other’s bids. A bid towards your partner could be nonverbal, for example, sending them a quote or sitting closer to them; or it could be verbal. For instance, you could tell/ask them “How was your day?”, “Look at this gorgeous weather!” or “Can I share a story with you?” If you fail to notice these bids, ignore the messages your partner sends you, or if these bids go unanswered, you are sending a message to your partner that you don’t really want to connect with them.
The takeaway from this is simple. If you care for your partner and your relationship, start paying attention to them and don’t turn away or against them. Instead, show your partner that they are worthy of your attention and interest.
DESIRE TALK
Finally, it is crucial to honestly communicate your sexual desires to each other. This week, take some time for the two of you, lit candles, and take turns asking and answering the following questions.
Think about all the times we’ve had sex. What are some of your favourites? What about that time that made it your favourite?
What turns you on?
How can I enhance our passion?
What’s your favourite way for me to let you know that I want to have sex?
Where and how do you like to be touched?
What’s your favourite time to make love and why? What’s your favourite position?
Is there something sexual you’ve always wanted to try but have never asked for? How often would you like to have sex?
What can I do to make our sex life better?
This set of questions was taken from the book 8 Dates, written by Julie and John Gottman.
WARNING SIGNS
Now, you might ask, ‘But what if my partner is not interested in romance or affection?’ Here is my truth bomb… Even if you love to give affection, you also love and need to receive it. I, for example, personally need both, and I need my partner and I to put in the effort. Again, it comes down to honest communication, which means we’re both willing to talk when something is bothering us. We’re each willing to take action when something is going haywire in our relationship — like a feeling of neglect or one-sided affection. If you have to carry the weight of giving all the affection, planning all the dates, or showing all the thoughtful acts of kindness in your relationship, approach your partner about your desire to establish a true partnership, watch how they respond, and see if a consistent improvement follows.
Also, if physical touch or verbal affection is one of your primary love languages and your partner doesn’t like to be touched, have sex too often, or is especially uncomfortable with any kind of affection, then perhaps it is time to re-evaluate your relationship and the impact it has on your wellbeing and self-worth. You might tell yourself it’s not a big deal and shut down this affectionate part of yourself, but is this what you truly want? Unconsciously, you might start to retaliate by withholding intimacy and be more shut down with your partner. If you pretend that touch, words of affirmation (or any other ways in which you like to be affectionate) are not important to you for the sake of keeping your relationship alive, you might end up miserable and resentful. Extreme compromises—in which one partner tosses their own needs to meet the others’ demands or to avoid conflict—don’t work. Healthy relationships are not easy, but they shouldn’t be too difficult either. A lack of expressive love can leave you starving for affection, so have that conversation with your partner, but also prepare yourself for the possibility that they may not have the capacity or be willing to love you the way you need. In my opinion, it’s essential not to settle for someone whose standards are way below the expressiveness or physical affection you want in the long term. If the affection is one-sided, uneven, or unequal, it’s going to become an issue that will erode all parts of your relationship, as well as your wellbeing.
I hope you found this article insightful and are more enlightened on what to do and what not to do to maintain a healthy romantic partnership. If you think you would benefit from my skills to better navigate the more fluid and complex relationship world we live in, please DM me for some coaching.
What does relationship coaching with me look like?
In the sessions, I will guide you through exercises and communication practices. The goal is to help you improve the quality of your relationship, increase or renew the friendship factor, enhance your intimacy through a deeper emotional connection, and navigate and resolve conflicts effectively.
What tools do I use in coaching couples?
I use evidence-based interventions learnt during my Level 1 and Level 2 Gottman Couple Therapy training. The Sound Relationship House Theory is the foundation for this work, and the goal of this method is to disarm conflicting communication, increase intimacy, respect, and affection, remove barriers that lead to a feeling of stagnancy, and engage in mutual empathy. This method includes a thorough assessment of the relationship and the incorporation of a therapeutic framework and interventions based on these assessments. Even couples with moderate levels of conflict can benefit from these sessions.
Ok, that’s all for me!
With love,
Iza
Coaching Psychologist and Relationship Coach
selfgrowthcourses.com thriveinshanghai.com