Recently, there have been many endings for us here, in Shanghai. When the lockdown happened, we experienced the end of Shanghai as we knew it, which consequently led to other endings. Some of us left the country altogether, while others left their friendships, jobs, apartments, or romantic partnerships. If your heart is hurting as you are reading this because you are going through some sort of ending or transition, you have my compassion.
In this article, I write about romantic relationship endings and how to handle them in a way that is peaceful, compassionate, and gives reverence to what you and your partner have created together. The truth is that breakups are part of being human, part of our curriculum on planet Earth, but nobody teaches us how to walk away from someone we love but can’t be with at this moment in time. Our culture teaches us that endings equal failures, so we avoid them and let relationships, jobs, or other circumstances that no longer serve us drag on for years. But the truth is that not every relationship is going to last forever. Sometimes, people come into our lives to teach us some valuable lessons and help us grow.
As a Coaching Psychologist and a Relationship Coach, I often teach couples how to maintain healthy relationships by helping them navigate conflicts, reach healthy compromises, reconnect after ruptures, and create the loving, safe, satisfying, and connected relationships they both want and deserve. Although all these skills are extremely important in our relationships, we might still not make it and decide to go separate ways. And for these reasons, I want to teach you a different skill in this article, the skill of honouring endings.
Breakups are most often filled with deep sadness, anger, loneliness and doubts over our decision. Many of us are devastated and spend months crying or numbing the pain. Two weeks ago, my romantic relationship ended, and because there was so much love between us, we decided to end it differently. What if I told you that breakups, although deeply painful and heavy, can be approached gracefully and with reverence for both the other person and yourself. The process of navigating the end of a partnership with someone we deeply care for, adore and love takes a lot of self-awareness, but doing so consciously allows us to heal and grow from the experience.
My ex-partner and I were fortunate enough to embrace the ending of our relationship with love, kindness, gratitude and compassion. Throughout our relationship, we chose to consciously show up for each other and couldn’t have it any other way during our breakup. We knew we couldn’t just harshly cut ties as that would do dishonour to “us” and the beautiful time we once shared. We were both romantic partners and great friends and shared dreams about our future together. We both had enough emotional awareness to acknowledge that a broken heart can be still an open heart. We also allowed each other to grieve and show the pain we felt about the ending — I suppose the willingness to be truly honest and vulnerable with each other was and still is our superpower. So, with his permission, I am sharing what we did to honour the time we shared.
Our closure ceremony:
We met up a week after breaking up. We started by sharing how the past week had treated us and went on with the immense pain we felt, the sleepless nights we endured, the doubts about our decisions, and the guilt of not fighting enough for us — somehow, knowing that you’re going through it together and have similar emotions and thoughts about the situation brings more peace. Next, we started the closing ritual by setting our intentions and lighting a candle. Later, we shared all the things we appreciate the most about each other. Then, we moved on to sharing our favourite memories together — that part brought us much joy and tears. Next, we shared our hopes and visions for each other. To gain more clarity, we also decided to share our thoughts as to why we ended up here and lessons for the future. This part was very healing as it freed us from “what ifs” and gave us a better picture of why the relationship no longer served us at this stage and why it had to end. Then, my ex-partner shared poems he wrote about us, and I led a cord-cutting meditation to help us with the energetic release of each other. We ended the ceremony by discussing the "no contact principle". We parted with gratitude for each other and added yet one more memorable experience to our list of favourite memories together.
Would I recommend this closing ritual to everyone?
Yes, and no. For a good enough relationship, yes, I would recommend it as it brings an immense amount of healing. However, if your ex-partner isn’t willing to do it with you or does not think closure or celebration of what you had together is important, then you need to accept that. You can still get closure in a relationship without your ex and perform a closing ritual on your own. If your ex-partner was emotionally or physically abusive, I would not recommend any further contact to protect your emotional and physical wellbeing.
Now, once you have held your closing ceremony, how do you actually heal and move on from a breakup with someone you are still deeply in love with?
Here are some tips:
Have a support system in place - Acknowledge your grief with compassion and share it openly with those who can help you carry it. It could be your friends, a therapist, a psychologist or a relationship coach. I know that during these times, we just want to go under the cover and cry the entire day, waiting for that pain to magically disappear, but it won’t. Connecting with people you love and trust is the most loving thing you can do for yourself during that time. Get clear on the specific help you need from your friends and ask them for it, so that they know exactly how to support you. Remember that social support has positive effects on both the one receiving it and the one providing it.
Hire a coach or therapist or any other professional to help - Breakups are such a rich time for self-discovery and healing, and with the right person by your side, you might just get a breakthrough, or at least have someone who can help with moving on from a loved one and help you work through the more uncomfortable feelings.
Journal it - Journaling offers us many insights, including the release of pent-up emotions and incredible insights into our subconscious. Don’t numb your pain with alcohol, food, movies, and sad songs — this won’t work and will lead to more pain and unprocessed emotions that will keep hunting you.
Schedule a grieving time during your day - It’s very important to cry all your tears, but you don’t want to drown in them. From experience, I have seen many people becoming addicted to the suffering that comes with a breakup. If that sounds like you, then it is even more important to be intentional about your grieving time. Watch my WeChat video (Thriveinshanghai) on how emotions work in your body and how to let them move through you.
Get the basics right - Take care of your sleep, exercise routine and nutrition. I know that sleepless nights, a lack of appetite and emotional fatigue are common post-breakup reactions, but mental and physical health waves are in the same basket. The way you feed, move and rest your body will have a direct impact on your breakup healing process.
Avoid contact - Don’t buy into the misunderstanding that you are going to “help” each other through it; you are broken up for a reason. Even if the split is amicable, it’s important you both go your own way and stop leaning on each other because that keeps you emotionally and energetically tied. Also, stop trying to convince yourself you can immediately transition into being friends again. The rule of thumb is to give yourself three to six months of no contact. But of course, there is no one-size-fits-all way to do it. For example, my ex-partner and I decided to commit to the no-contact principle for three months, unless there was an emergency or a real breakthrough in our personal growth. I would highly recommend you don’t send text messages to each other with things like, “I miss you”, “This is so painful, I just want you to come and soothe my pain” — of course, you miss them, and of course it’s painful, but messages like these won’t make you feel any better. In fact, they will create a very codependent dynamic and hinder your and your ex’s healing processes.
Come back to reality - During a breakup, many of us tend to only remember the wonderful things about our exes. But remember that no matter how wonderful your ex was, there were real reasons as to why the relationship was not a good fit, and it could be as simple as, “The person didn’t want to commit and I deserve to be with someone ready, willing and wanting me”. When fantasies of what was or what “could have, would have or should have been” start clouding your reality, keep reminding yourself of the things about this relationship that weren’t serving you. Take a look at where you have been lowering your standards and accepting far less than you deserve. Allow the pain of your reality to be fully experienced in your heart and don’t get lost in fantasies.
Practice self-love - Jela and I are running our popular self-love course starting this July. I would highly recommend you to join us. If you haven’t yet experienced the emotional healing that can come from strengthening your self-love muscles, this is your time.
Lastly, remember that you will get through this. It won’t hurt this bad forever. You will eventually heal and feel happy again. And in the meantime, keep your heart open as nothing good comes from closing or hardening your heart. This is my mantra for these times.
With love,
Iza
Coaching Psychologist and Relationship Coach
selfgrowthcourses.com thriveinshanghai.com