If you are familiar with my work, read my posts, or have attended my workshops, you can quickly tell that so much of my mission is about helping others to understand and accept themselves. My work is focused on helping people to create maps and frameworks to help them make sense of their past, so that they are able to create a more joyful future. Recently, I have been learning how to help couples create a healthier relationship temple, and my training at the Gottman Institute in Couples Therapy inspired me to write this post.
Spoiler alert: We do not live in a romantic comedy. YES, even the most mindful couples have conflicts! Contrary to popular belief, having a healthy relationship doesn’t mean no conflict. In fact, I would be very worried if you said you and your partner never experience disagreements. We all join in partnership with different behavioural patterns, experiences, combinations of triggers and emotional responses which make conflicts inevitable (just ask my partner ;-). The good thing is, conflicts can be used to deepen our relationship if we know how to navigate them in a safe and loving way, but of course not always! If done unskilfully they can widen a rift between the couple, contribute to physical and mental health issues, and potentially lead to a break up. According to the Gottman research, “The success or failure of a couple’s reparation attempts is one of the primary factors in whether a marriage is likely to flourish or flounder.” Meaning, arguing is not bad, but not being able to repair afterwards and come back to a loving place together is. Since we are not all taught how to handle conflicts, or how to communicate our differences in a loving way, I wrote this article to shed some light on using conflicts as an opportunity to honestly communicate our feelings, align our values, embrace differences, and grow our relationship.
According to a study from the Gottman Institute (the leading researchers on marriage and family), there are four characteristics that destroy relationships, and they call them ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.’ And here is what they are:
Criticism
When you easily find fault in your partner, attack and criticise their character. Next time instead of criticising your partner’s behaviour, talk about how it made you feel. E.g. “I felt scared when you were running late for lunch and didn’t call to let me know. I thought we had agreed that we would do that for each other.” Instead of, “You never think of others! You’re so selfish and disrespectful of my time!” Use only ‘I’ statements when communicating your complaint, and request what you would like to have happened instead.
Contempt
When you use sarcasm or mockery towards your partner, conveying disgust and anger. Contempt and shaming behaviours are poison to intimate relationships, or any relationships for that matter. While criticism attacks your partner’s character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over them. We can feel paralysed to speak up or even think straight when someone shames us, because contempt can literally bypass our personal defences. E.g. “You’re tired?! Cry me a river. I have been slaving away at work to feed you and the family. Could you be any more pathetic?”. According to Gottman’s, “Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.” If contempt is looking down at your partner, practice to reverse it, meaning start looking up to your partner. Begin to seek all the ways you are blessed to have them in your life When you’re only looking for cracks and imperfections, that will be all you can see and the reverse is also true - the choice is yours!
Defensiveness
When taking responsibility for your actions or words feels threatening, you can quickly counter attack when your partner brings up something hurtful. Instead you should take responsibility, own your mistakes, apologise, and attempt to understand your partner’s perspective. If you notice a pattern of defensiveness when you are in conflict, you need to work to understand your own reactions, instead of trying to justify your behaviour, blame your partner, or feel victimised.
Stonewalling
When you close off and tune your partner out as soon as conflict comes up. Using the silent treatment, or stonewalling, to convey displeasure is a damaging form of passive aggression. Instead, ask your partner to take a 20min break and do something that is emotionally soothing for you - read a book, go for a walk, do something that brings you joy - and when you are feeling emotionally calm, return to the conversation. Moving towards your partner when fear wants you to pull away is vital. Instead of running away, you might want to say to your partner, “I feel upset right now and my first instinct is to ignore you and this entire situation, but I want us to effectively problem-solve more. Can you please give me 20 minutes to cool off and think about how I feel? Then lets come back together and talk it out. I love you and don’t want to ignore you to make a point.”
My advice is to schedule time together to discuss the Four Horsemen to get a better understanding of how they may have been negatively affecting the communication you have with your partner, not just during conflicts, but also in your daily life. What baby steps can you take to strengthen your emotional awareness?
So, why do we argue in the first place?
Well, the unmet emotional need behind any argument is often more important than what the argument is actually about. So before you approach your partner about an issue, first you must gain clarity about yourself. Take some time to understand how you truly feel, why you feel that way, and what needs of yours aren’t being met. Remember your partner isn’t a mind-reader, and unless you both openly communicate your needs and turn your expectations into agreements, you won’t be able to have a healthy relationship. I invite you both to make a list of all the things you expect from your partner and ask them to do the same. Then, come together and talk to each other about your expectations and form agreements around them.
Second, remember we are all interdependent beings, which means we have needs in our relationship and that is okay. As an adult you carry the responsibility to express your needs to your partner. For example, if your partner isn’t affectionate with you in public but physical affection is your primary love language (here is more on love languages), and it makes you feel loved and safe when you receive it, ask your partner to put his arm around you or hold hands. Try to find a common ground to ensure the needs of both of you can be met. When you express your needs don’t make your request vague, e.g., “I want more quality time” your partner’s idea of what that means might be different to yours. Instead, be more specific, “I would like for us to make time every week for a date night without a phone. Is this something you are open to?” If your partner sees your requests as a demand, and is unwilling to see your need as valid then you need to reconsider if staying with this person is what you really want. When we receive love in our primary love language we feel fulfilled, have healthier relationships and are better friends, parents, and colleagues. However, when our core needs are constantly invalidated we might start feeling resentful, not only towards our partner, but also towards our selves. Suppressing any needs that are unmet and viewing any sign of conflict as a threat to your relationship will not create growth but resentment, people-pleasing behaviours, and eventually a break up.
Reflect on how you view conflict and how navigating it was modelled to you in your home. If we manage conflict in a subconscious way we tend to default back to any copying strategy we developed as children, or default back into ways in which our parents behaved with each other. For example, if your parents fought very intensely and there was a lot of shouting, your survival mechanism might have been to escape and hide in your room. Now, that you are adult you can appreciate that that was the best you could do as a child to protect yourself, but now you are an adult and your partner is not your mum, dad, sister or brother, and that running away from the very person you most want to connect with would only create undesired distance in your relationship, and keep you both stuck in resentment and frustration. I encourage you to redefine what conflict means to you and create your own empowering definition.
Another important ingredient to remember is that you’re on the same team. At times conflict begins to look more like a pingpong match between criticism and defensiveness where “being right” is often more important than maintaining a healthy and loving connection. When we fight for “being right” there are no winners, but just two very hurt people who shut down or escalate. The core desire of every human is to be heard and understood - we often forget that in the midst of conflict. Even in the midst of conflict we need to remember we are on the same team.
The question is, “Can you make staying connected more important than being right?”, “Can you turn towards each other, when you want to move away from, or against your partner?”, “When your partner is bringing an issue to you, instead of running away or defending yourself, can you get curious instead?” Next time you are in conflict with your partner, ask yourself, “Am I acting kindly?”, “Do I understand the impact of my words?”
Here are the most important takeaways from this post:
If you’re the person who is bringing an issue to your partner, remember to start gently and kindly as this will largely impact how your conversation will unravel. As the Gottmans say, “Kindness doesn’t mean we don’t express our anger, but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger.” Pay attention to your tone, your words, and your volume. Never yell at your partner or use harsh language! By doing that you are traumatising your partner and affecting the way they are able to receive information. If you notice your tone of voice rising, take three deep breaths before you continue speaking. If your partner is yelling at you, time to draw boundaries and say, “I can’t hear you when you yell at me, I am going to leave the room and when you’re ready to communicate in a kind way I am more than happy to continue the conversation”.
Make it a habit everyday to notice good things about your partner, and make a mental note of how happy it makes you feel.
Listen, listen, listen! Listen with an open heart and mind and not with the intention of gathering evidence to make the other person wrong.
Summarise what your partner says and check if you heard them accurately. Before reacting with a response, say, “What I heard you say… Is that accurate?” This provides an opportunity to clear up any potential misunderstandings.
Practice perception checking after you express your point of view, ask, “What did you hear me say?” This gives your partner an opportunity to repeat back what they heard.
Be curious. Ask questions to better understand how they feel about an issue. If you see your partner’s nervous system is activated ask them, “What do you need from me right now?”
Make time for touch - make time for connected sex, cuddling, sneaking hugs/kisses throughout the day. Make sure you stay affectionate towards each other and don’t withhold physical affection even when you’re mad. Remember physical affection creates a healthy relationship, so don’t get lazy.
I hope this article was helpful, and by applying the above tips you will soon begin to notice a positive shift in your relationship. Both people need to be onboard as we are each responsible for 100% of our half of a relationship. Each partner has to be committed and willing to shift hurtful behaviours, as otherwise there is no room to grow or evolve as a couple. Each partner has to be actively doing something to create more relationally aware versions of themselves. If you’re in a relationship with a partner who can do more, but chooses to sit on the sidelines, that is a different story. If you notice a pattern where you tend to continuously be in relationships with people who don’t want to put in even small amounts of relational effort, I think it’s incredibly important to explore some potential reasons behind that. If you’re spending too much time tending to your partner’s needs, you might end up resentful. Remember your needs matter as much as your partners' needs.
Does it sound like work? That’s because relationships can be — but that’s what makes the great ones so rewarding.
Ok, that’s all for me, love y’all,
Izabela Misiuk (Iza)
Your Coaching Psychologist (MSc) & Relationship Coach