We all know self-love is incredibly important but what does it mean and how do you do it?
If you ever worked with me as your holistic coaching psychologist or have been reading my articles or taking my courses you know that I am incredibly passionate about the topic of self-love. From my own experience, I know that sometimes it feels like the most difficult thing is to let our own loving in. Some of us are used to being loved by others but don't know how to truly love ourselves. It takes conscious practice to become your own favourite person and be truly comfortable with yourself. When you practice the art of loving yourself, you stop depending on other people to fill up your cup. In this article, I asked some very inspiring people from Shanghai to tell us what self-love means to them. I also asked my best friend and co-designer of the self-love course, Jela, to share her insights about what it takes to embody the self-love practice.
If you are ready for some serious inspiration, you are going to L.O.V.E. this article.
Here is what Jela, had to share with us on the topic:
“Loving myself is so difficult!” my friend told me as I was walking her to the door after a meditation session devoted to loving-kindness.
Most of us have been raised to believe that self-love is selfish, that we need to put others first, that our needs are not as important, that we should make others happy even at our own expense. The list goes on. This concept is quite foreign to the Eastern cultures as they have been taught from an early age to view themselves as worthy, lovable and divine. When Dalai Lama was asked by Western psychotherapists about this issue, he was shocked to learn that so many people around the world dislike, loathe or even hate themselves. Lately, the idea of self-love has spread around the globe and for the right reason. As the popular saying goes: “You can’t pour from an empty cup." Self-love is crucial for our well-being, for setting healthy boundaries, for our relationship with others.
Let’s look into what self-love is and what it isn’t.
A very important aspect of self-love, which is now being more researched and applied in psychology, is self-compassion. We usually learn to direct empathy and compassion toward our loved ones, abandoned animals, the sick and the poor. We know how to open our hearts so wide that love pours out effortlessly along with wishes for them to be well and safe and protected. When we become our own best friend and view ourselves as someone dearest and worthy of all the love and care, we start practicing self-compassion.
"We live in a time of ‘the fire element’ as Chinese medicine would put it. A time in which society is driven by strong desires and passions. The capatalist and consumer lanscape helps us to easily fulfil our wants, fuelling the ever-growing fire.
Our passions and desires tend to lead us further away from self-love however. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong about fulfilling a want, if the outcome is positive. However a want is often very different from a need. Often those firey desires distract us from dealing with our needs or they may even be a superficial attempt to fulfil a need. Basically what you don’t sew, you can’t reap.
As love is a need, so is self- love. It is the need to fulfil ourselves. So how do we do that? Within each one of us lies a different answer.
To me, self-love is following my inner voice and supporting it in uncertain times. Here I’m very careful not to fuel doubt. I would say this represents my strength. Looking at the opposite side of the coin, I know that my weakness is often my downfall and this is where I have to do the most of my work with regards to self-love." - Michele, TCM doctor
Accepting ourselves as we are is another key aspect. We spend so much time and energy blaming and criticizing ourselves. We are always dissatisfied with one thing or another: our looks, our actions, even our attitude toward ourselves. The magic thing happens when we look at ourselves without fighting, resisting or wishing to fix something. We meet ourselves in the present moment with true acceptance and that opens door for true growth rather than constant “fixing”.
"To me self love means having clear boundries, they are important for establishing self-worth and self-love. The clearer they are the better for me." - Fatima from For Me
Another vital element of self-love is being able to forgive ourselves. Forgiving our own mistakes, wrongful actions, “deficiencies”, failures, etc. can happen only along with compassion and acceptance. Self-forgiveness can feel as a mission impossible, especially to those with perfectionist tendencies who are always very hard on themselves. It is, however, possible. Consider these wise words: “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.”(Unknown Author).
"When I meditate in the morning and I’m taking some time for my morning routine before checking WeChat and news, by taking a cold shower, journaling and moving my body, I feel so much better compared to when I don’t. It is simply self-hate V.S self-love. I also use a float tank twice a week to let my body feel as great It possibly can, because when it does, life is great and I feel like I am floating in the clouds." - Theo from Floatasian
Self-love isn’t pampering and spoiling ourselves with shopping, fancy chocolate and wine, expensive travels, etc. only to dull our sense of inadequacy, disappointment and other uncomfortable feelings. Self-care shouldn’t be confused with indulging yourself in coping behaviors. Self-care means taking a break in our busy schedule, finding alone time to meditate, meeting a good friend for a meaningful conversation, getting a massage for the tight shoulders. Coping behaviors are just band-aids that help us cover up the real situation and get even further from much-needed acceptance and love.
"What’s self-love for me? Self-love is when you don’t need to prove anything to anyone. You know who you are and you’re happy being you. You don’t compare yourself to anyone. It’s when you can love yourself both in a bad mood and in a good mood. With achievements or not. Accept yourself fully! " - Sia, Astrologer Coach
Striving for perfection is very far from real, unconditional self-love. It’s a chronic state of feeling not enough, inadequate and somehow deeply wrong. Perfectionism can be a celebrated phenomenon on the outside as it drives growth and improvement. However, it very quickly and almost always turns into burnout, anxiety and even depression. We can’t really grow from a place of lack. Only when we can confidently say “I am enough just the way I am at this moment”, we can start functioning from a place of abundance and make choices and decisions that affirm our worth.
Self-love is about accepting and forgiving yourself and feeling comfortable of being who you actually are. It is having the awareness of reminding yourself "no matter what, you are safe and being loved"; it is having the power and self-esteem to listen to your own will, feelings and heart and having the power to say no to what might seem to matter to others but actually is harmful to your true self. - Crystal, Personal Coach
Self-love is what fills us with energy every day. It is the internal source of happiness that doesn’t depend on any external factors. It is the necessary ground for personal growth and provides us with confidence to create healthy boundaries and have loving relationships with people around us.
"Self-love to me means being extra careful with the words I use when talking to and about myself. And choosing nurturing and positive words instead of destructive ones. I believe self-love starts from being aware of that. Self-love is also about showing up for myself and say no to the tempting glass of wine because I know I have to wake up early the next day :)" - Julie from Okra
As cliche as it sounds, love really does start with you.
Thank you, Jela, Julie, Michele, Fatima, Crystal, Sia, and Theo for sharing with us your wisdom on self-love.
Dear reader, I hope you enjoyed this article. To dive deeper into self-love, learn practical tools for cultivating it and access 19 beautiful meditations, buy our course here.
You can do the course alone on our website or if you prefer you can sign up to do the course with the support of the community. The course starts on January 15th and takes you through the building blocks of self-love. Space on the course is limited to a maximum of 15 people, so sign up as soon as you see this- it’ll be well worth it. During your time with us, you will learn how self-communication is key to staying in tune with yourself and finding that loving place within. You will discover, and learn how to walk hand-in-hand with the inner lover within you throughout your life, who will constantly romance you even when life gets hard.
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That’s all from me. Thank you for reading, for being here, and for spreading the word about my work.
With love,
Iza
Coaching Psychologist and Relationship Coach
selfgrowthcourses.com thriveinshanghai.com