Dear readers,
One of the reasons I started my blog was to share the wisdom of all the people who have inspired me along my journey and to give you some fitness, nutrition, psychology, and holistic beauty tips. But one thing I haven’t shared with you so far is my own journey… so in this post, that’s exactly what you’re going to get!
In this very special blog post, an astrologer and a founder of a popular blog https://www.cogm-today.com/ Anastasia Suntsova (Sia) asks me some very good questions. The answers I gave during my interview with Sia are honest and intimate. So pour yourself a nice cuppa and open your mind and heart… because ladies and gentlemen, I got very vulnerable with her.
Buckle up for this juicy interview…
Sia: What is the biggest lesson you would like to share with my readers?
Iza: The biggest lesson so far to share... This is a hard question to answer as there have been so many. I was “asleep” for many years during which my disempowering stories, conditioning, and fears ruled me. Don’t get me wrong, I ticked most of the societal boxes because my life looked pretty successful on the outside, but I self-abandoned myself in the process. The biggest lesson I learnt from that experience was that our lives only begin when we stop abandoning ourselves. Being alive is not a matter of checking off a list and being busy trying to live up to all the expectations you and others put on yourself; being alive is a continuous journey of self-discovery, learning, evolving and accepting all forks in the road as gifts of fulfilment.
Sia: What is looking successful on the outside?
Iza: For me it used to look like living in a foreign country, having a job that pays well, a husband, a beautiful home, a healthy looking body, frequent travels, friends... I had all that. The only thing I hadn’t checked off the list was a child. But I suppose from the outside it all looked pretty good. There was just one problem, I was absolutely miserable and I had this deep sense of longing for something I couldn’t define.
I remember one day I was doing a positive psychology exercise that needed me to ask a family member or friend about the one thing that they most appreciate about me. I decided to ask my sister who told me that she appreciated how light and happy I always seemed to be, like my life was just an easy ride. And I remember in that moment thinking to myself: «Oh my gosh, is this the kind of false perception others have of me?» while inside I felt so empty.
I lived my life trying to please others, changing my values, goals, and dreams to please the people I cared most about. Eventually, I abruptly “woke up” in my late 20s not only was my body shutting down, but my nervous system was way out of whack too. My self-abandonment had manifested in all sorts of health issues from digestion and insomnia to hormonal imbalance. I was faced with so many symptoms that I was no longer able to ignore the reality I was in. Instead of getting stuck or fighting the reality, I decided to buckle down and do the hard work of healing.
Looking back now, I’m proud to say that this desperate “ah-ha” moment caused me to re-evaluate everything in my life including the people I cared for, my limiting beliefs and doubts, as well as values and dreams. I made a promise to dig in, look at my life, and figure out who this woman was that had been asleep for so many years. By spending quality time with myself I discovered my values, strengths, likes and dislikes, and shed off layers that I could no longer have on anymore.
On my journey, I learnt how to detach from people who put me down or who did not support and respect me. I learnt the practice of self-love and then developed courses to help others cultivate this powerful moment-to-moment daily practice. Not only did I change the way I speak to myself, but I also started to pay more attention to people close to me – when we and those around us are focused on the way we want to be (aka our potential) instead of the way we are, the energy just keeps us stuck and small.
Sia: Why does the energy keep us stuck and small?
Iza: When people are so focused on our potential, and not on who we are at that moment in time, there is no acceptance and no unconditional love. And without these two qualities transformation is very difficult.
I remember I would always look at myself wishing I was smarter or more attractive or better in some way. I just kept working hard to make myself more like others, and then eventually I basically stopped liking myself, stopped being myself. Also, although I had grown up in a loving family, there was not a lot of compassion and not much room for things like weaknesses, insecurities or uncomfortable feelings. Being an empath and a highly sensitive child, I found myself struggling and being misunderstood by those closest to me. From a very young age I understood that to be deserving of love I had to be strong on the outside even if I was falling apart on the inside. I employed this coping strategy as a child in order to belong, and it worked, but it robbed me of the beauty of being vulnerable and sharing my gifts with the world.
Because I wasn’t able to fully feel or be vulnerable, the gift of intimacy with family, friends and romantic partners was not possible. And life without intimacy (aka to be truly seen and loved for who we are) is dry. To every relationship I would bring this little girl within me who felt unexpressed pain, neglect, and hurt over her father’s clinical depression and having a mother who she just couldn’t connect with. When friendships and relationships were not working out, each time it just reconfirmed the underlying belief that I wasn't good enough. I wasted a lot of time living in my head, questioning everything I said, being so afraid to do things wrong or to show my vulnerabilities and reveal the places where I needed healing, so I just got stuck. I didn’t want to spoil anybody’s idea of me… the courageous, happy person they seemed to think I was.
Studying psychology introduced me to the concept of reparenting myself so that the little girl who had suppressed so much pain inside of her finally began to appreciate her gift of extreme sensitivity and started feeling safe. Through opening my heart to my younger self and becoming a better parent to her, I started to bring my authentic self to other relationships.
Taking the time to create a space to get to know and embrace the abandoned parts of us is liberating. If we cannot accept ourselves (all the different parts within us) and we keep acting in someone else’s play, then its impossible to form an intimate relationship with ourselves and others, because loving a lie is very challenging.
Acceptance was not my native language. It was a new language I had to learn moment by moment. Learning to accept my faults and insecurities and to stop being ashamed of having these was a big part of my transformation. I now understand that what we don’t own, owns us.
Sia: Do you sometimes come back to the old patterns of non-acceptance?
Iza: There are moments when I might spiral back into self-doubt or hold on to people, things, memories and experiences that have reached their expiration date, but this time I have the trust and courage to wake up halfway and climb back into my heart. Having my own back and trusting the universe and its divine plan is what keeps me grounded, centered, and allows me to fully be me in front of myself and others.
Sia: How is the tendency to stick to people that you no longer want to be with connected to the ability to trust the universe? Are we afraid to lose people because we don’t trust the universe?
Iza: Yes, I believe we only hold on to things and people when we are coming from a place of fear – when we think that we don't deserve something better. Even if inside we know that this person or thing is not for us, we don't want to let it go because perhaps there is no trust that the universe is fully supporting us.
Nowadays when I am worried, disappointed, overwhelmed or fearful, I always put one hand on my heart and one hand on my belly, take deep breaths and remind myself that: «I am loved, I am supported and the Universe has my back».
Also, «death» brings new life. Sometimes when we let go of people or things that no longer serve us, we create a space, a beautiful place for something new to be born. And when you have trust in the universe, this deep knowing that whatever happens next is for your highest good, there is peace and comfort in it.
My “ah-ha” moment brought me closer to who I am and my passion for empowering other people so that they too can embrace who they really are. I get to coach women not only on their health but also on how to speak their truth, how to show up in their power and share their gifts with the world. “Don’t die with the music still inside you”, is one of my favorite quotes by Wayne Dyer. This journey made me rediscover parts of me I thought were lost forever and gave me the courage to embrace the music within and get to know the person I truly am.
Sia: What were the parts you thought you lost forever?
Iza: The programming I received during my upbringing has gotten in the way of connecting to my gifts, of being highly intuitive and sensitive to the energies and emotions around me. Through rediscovering these parts and learning how to use them without being flooded with other people’s energies and emotions, I am able to form a deep connection with people around me and use this gift in my coaching.
I also rediscovered my love for teaching and mentoring others. When I was younger I used to love to teach. I taught and mentored my little cousins and the neighbours’ kids.
I also rediscovered my creative pulse. In my 20s I used to consume, consume, and consume, but did not create, but my creative flair is back! As well as my creative outlets including creating new recipes, workshops, online courses and bringing people together. In fact, everyone is creative! We just need to return to that free part of us that loves to create and just go for it!
I hope this interview with Sia helped you to get to know me on a deeper level.
That’s all from me. Thank you for reading, for being here, and for spreading the word about my work so that my articles can be read by more people.
With love,
Iza
Coaching Psychologist and Relationship Coach
selfgrowthcourses.com thriveinshanghai.com
P.S.I’ve had the privilege of a reading from Sia, and let me tell you: she is on point. It was amazing how much she intuited about my life and my soul’s purpose by looking at my birth chart. If you want to get your reading done, DM her on her WeChat: AnastasiaSUNtsova